The One Where: A Year in Review (Part 1)

“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart.”

— Vincent Van Gogh

Since 2019 was my Jordan Year, I decided to also make it the year I stopped letting my rollercoaster of a life make me it’s bitch. And I did. Sort of. I mean, I still had my “crying on the floor” moments next to the bookcase in my room— BUT, I also had plenty of moments that made me feel like I had something worth living for. Like I’m someone worth living for.

Anyways, let’s start with my 3 biggest goals for the year, 2 of my self-growth goals, and then a breakdown of each month. Not sure if anyone reading this really cares about my highlights, but I’m doing this for the low moments when future me starts to doubt herself and her strength again.

2019 Goals

1. Be in a Beauty Pageant

2. Run a Half Marathon

3. Summit a Mountain

Self -Growth Goals

1. Stop getting devastated when people don’t want to do what you want to do. Find good people who like doing what you like to do.

2. Do something that terrifies you, and own it completely.

*okay okay okay, I know that my sets of goals might seem a little lame, but to me they’re actually deeply personal. When I was little (and all throughout my childhood and teen years and even now sometimes), I’ve always hated the way I looked. It didn’t help that I was bullied pretty badly, and it definitely didn’t help that I kept dating guys who would keep supermodels as their phone screensavers (huge red flag, duh, I know that now). But yeah, I would sit there in front of the TV watching Miss America, feeling ugly af both inside and out, hearing it around me and believing it— and I’d wish that someday that pretty girl on the stage could be me. I think I’ll write a separate blog post about that experience, because it definitely changed me— but for now, yeah, I just really wanted to be in a beauty pageant to prove to myself that I could do it. I wanted it to be a testament to the confidence I owed myself after all these years of self-hate.

The Half-Marathon thing was a direct result of reading David Goggins’ book, “Can’t Hurt Me,” and being completely inspired by it. I’m so thankful to Carmen for telling Meera to read it, and to Meera for being her most “Meera” self and forcing me to get off my ass and actually read it. That book was the best non-fiction book I’ve ever read in my life. Well, heard, because I did the audiobook version because it had more info, but yes, I am now a self-help book type of person thanks to this one. I’ve gone through it a total of six times, each at my lowest points in the year, and I’ve learned something new every time. Anyways, I’ll stop selling it to you and just tell you what it’s all about: it’s pretty much a book about how he changed his life and never let anything he wanted seem too out of reach. He pushes himself both physically and mentally, and always tries to be a better version of himself— which is something that really spoke to me, even though I’m definitely not a 6 foot tall super-yolked former Navy Seal. His words taught me that no dream I have is too far out of reach, and that if I fail, I need to stop moping and giving up— and actually learn from the experience. So, I set my eyes on the goal of running a Half Marathon. And I crossed it off that June. I’ll write a different “The One Where” post about that, but the gist of it is that even though I know I’m not Ultra-Marathon level fit, and before this I wasn’t fit at all— I could be if I wanted to be. And I really wanted to be. I also wanted to do something for a cause that I believed in, just like how David Goggins did something for a cause that he believed in. So that’s why that was goal #2.

Goal #3, Summit a Mountain, came from my love of hiking. One day I want to hike Kilimanjaro (that’s me speaking it into existence), and I can’t do that until I knock out a few other mountaintops. Plus, from everything I’ve learned on my hiking adventures, I know that the view is always better when you know you’ve worked for it— in life, and in nature. So that’s why I wanted to summit a mountain. I’ll write a post about that too, because coming from Devika’s perspective, I want y’all to know that “working for a view” includes just taking the initiative to do something that other people take for granted, but yes— I wanted to take on a challenging trail and prove to myself that every hurdle was something I could work hard and get past on my way to the top. Summiting Mt. Baldy was just that, and it was crossed off the list that July.

Halfway through the year, I ended up crossing off all of these goals. Which was great, because I never sat on them and let the idea escape me— but then it also left me wanting more to cross off. So I made a book of all the things I’ve always wanted to do, and I made another list of all the things I was presently aware of needing to work on about myself. That’s where the self-growth goals came in, and ultimately, the bucketlist book that I’ve been on a mission to cross off.

My next post is the second half of this one, and in there, I’ll give you a breakdown of the highs and lows of the year. Also, if anyone other than future me is reading this, lol, please know that I’m not trying to brag with this highlight reel. I’m really not. I don’t know about you, but if you’ve ever had similar life-crushingly low days, sometimes a reminder of your growth so far is all you need to keep going for a little longer. This is that for me, and if you experience similar waves of sadness, I encourage you do do the same.